If You're a Possum
by krizzygirl206
Summary: Shameless self-insert fanfic about the wacky adventures of several friends at Hogwarts. Love, friendship, casual death of minor characters and breaking canon. DISCONTINUED. Writing a new HP crack fanfiction.
1. Voldemort's Booty Call

_OKAY. SO. I DON'T OWN 'HARRY POTTER' AND THIS IS PURELY FAN STUFF. OBVIOUSLY._

_I needed to write some shameless self-insert fic and this is the result. Based on the wacky adventures of my friends and I at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We're maybe 7__th__ or 6__th__ years, I don't know. Up to you. Kind of alternate reality? It's just the weird head!canon version of events since Cedric is still alive (I guess we'd be 6__th__ year students in that case.)_

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><p>Pouring myself another glass of pumpkin juice I listened intently to the conversation going on today at breakfast between my friends at the Hufflepuff table. Tasha and class hunk, Cedric Diggory, were in a heated debate over the upcoming Quidditch match between our house and Slytherin. While most of the girls swooned at the very thought of Diggory, I didn't see much in him. He was a great student and amazing Quidditch player, but my affections lay elsewhere. Tasha was gaga for him.<p>

"I'm telling you, Cedric, you need to watch for Malfoy. He's ruthless! Slytherin and Gryffindor always aim to go against each other at the end of the year. This time, it's going to be Hufflepuff in the running for House Cup." Tasha said, pounding her fist on the table, knocking over a glass and spilling its contents all over the plate of scrambled eggs. Someone nearby groaned and complained about wanting more of those.

"Well, unless you suggest I cheat -"

"No, not cheat. Just play dirty!"

"Sometimes I wonder if you'd be better off in Slytherin yourself, Natasha…."

"Oh, bite me. Just watch out and make sure we end up in the finals! I don't want to be cheering for another house." She rose from the table, grabbed her book bag and as she left, shouted over her shoulder at me, "Catch you in Charms later!"

I was in the middle of eating a blueberry muffin when I made eye contact with Trinity over at Ravenclaw table. Behind her, at Slytherin, Kayla and Whitny were dancing in their seats and making Draco Malfoy very uncomfortable. Trinity rolled her eyes and then made a face that caused me to spray my food all over the table, ruining another plate of scrambled eggs and a stack of toast. More groans of complaint. Trinity motioned for me to come over and I quickly inhaled the rest of the muffin and jumped up from the table. Dodging the people who refused to look before they stood up and those standing around taking up space, I made my way to Ravenclaw and, ignoring the disapproving looks, sat down next to my best friend.

"Did you read the Prophet today?" she asked immediately, unfolding the paper and pushing it under my nose.

"No, I don't read the paper… why? Did someone die?" I asked, taking it from her and skimming over the front page where an unflattering picture of Headmaster Dumbledore in a speedo greeted my eyes. "OH SWEET BABY JESUS. I need this on my wall! Can I cut it out?"

"No, get your own. And that's not what I was talking about. Right there is…" Trin pointed to an article in the corner. The headline said, 'BLACK; DEAD OR ALIVE?' and talked about the mystery of Sirius Black and his whereabouts. There were rumors that after his escape from Azkaban he died somewhere (the only problem being that there was no body to prove it.) Little did they know he was safely in my dorm room. "Don't you have to feed him?"

"Oh snap, right. Yeah. Thanks! I'll see you later, okay?" I said, hopping up and skipping back to Hufflepuff table. I piled a plate high with eggs, toast, sausages (which people thought strange, as I was a vegetarian) and something I think was supposed to be waffles but looked like the waffle machine had gone haywire during the making of them. They could have just been soaked in pumpkin juice, though. Slinging my book bag over my shoulder I said bye to the people I had been sitting around, waved at my younger sister at the Gryffindor table next to me (she ignored me completely, which was normal) and hurried out of the Great Hall before someone could stop me.

The corridors were pretty empty this early, with everyone still stuffing their faces, and I only had a few people I had to give half-hearted explanations to as I made my way to kitchen corridor. The entrance to the Hufflepuff Basement, hidden behind a stack of barrels which I quickly, while balancing the plate of foot, tapped out 'Helga Hufflepuff' on the second from the bottom and middle of the second row. I smelled vinegar and looked to see a first year crying in a corner, complaining that they had no rhythm and they'd never get back into the common room. In a hurry, I decided I'd maybe deal with the kid later. I had a dog to take care of.

Crawling through the passageway was difficult, but I managed it and ran through the common room, down the tunnel toward the girls' dormitory and burst into my dorm. Good, no one was here. I set the plate down and got down on my hands and knees, "C'mere Snuffles… where are yoooou?" I checked under my bed and the others. As I was getting up from looking under Hannah's, she came in. We locked eyes. She glared. I smiled.

"What are you doing? Looking for that awful dog of yours? I finally informed Madame Sprout. You know that dogs are not acceptable pets to have here." Hannah Abbott, my arch nemesis just for the fact that she and I shared a last name (we were not related and made sure everyone at Hogwarts knew that), had ratted me out. She would not escape this dorm room unscathed. "W-what are you doing, Abbott? Get away from me! Augh! No, not my-!"

...

Several minutes later, I left the dorm room, closing the door behind me and heaving a sigh. I checked my watch and with only five minutes till Charms, I knew I'd have to find a way to get Snuffles back later. As quick as my little legs could take me, I made it to Charms class just seconds before the bell sounded. Charms with Slytherin today, I noted and took my seat next to Kayla and Tasha. Whitny was perched next to Blaise Zabini (or Blaise Zucchini, as I thought his name was the first time I met him. The name stuck, much to his annoyance.) Malfoy and the rest of his gang were scattered all around them and when I smiled in their direction, Malfoy must have thought I was smiling at him because I was greeted by a rude gesture.

"I'll get him later for that, Kristen." Kayla said, leaning over and making a few punching motions into her fist for Draco to see. "I'll hold him and you punch him." I laughed. "Why are you so late? Usually you're the first one here."

"Well, turns out Hannah told Sprout that I had you-know-who hiding in my dorm room…" I said, as quietly as I could, which turned out to not be quiet enough, as Justin Finch-Fletchley leaned forward between Kayla and I.

"You have You-Know-Who hiding in your dorm?" he asked, loud enough to get the attention of the entire class.

"Oh yeah, of course. He just loves it there. Don't you ever invite him over?" I mumbled, pushing his face away as Tasha told him to just shut up. The rest of the class must have just thought we had been joking, but the Slytherins were eyeing me now. I was going to be known as Voldemort's booty call for the rest of my life. I wasn't sure if that was really a bad thing, though… Wait. What was I thinking? Of course it was a bad thing!

Kayla had gone back to the real subject at hand. "So what are we gonna do? Break him out of doggy prison? Do you have any idea where he is?"

"No, I don't. I have no idea what to do. We may have to skip lunch, though. Better bring snacks. Hey, you have Potions with Ravenclaw next, right? Tell Trin and Kendra to meet at the greenhouse during lunch. We're going to need all of the group brainpower for this…"

Class went without a hitch, although Flitwick asked where Hannah Abbott was and I had trouble controlling my giggles. They would never find the body. I wrote a note to the others about what I did, which only sent them into a fit of giggles and we had to be excused from class to compose ourselves. During the few minutes we had in the hallway outside, we decided that we'd meet at the greenhouse and then…. Corner Sprout? Could we get in trouble for that? We would find out. Once ready and free of laughter, we finished up Charms and went on to our next classes. Tasha and I passed notes all through Transfiguration and I drew cats in glasses on everything. McGonagall, or McG-dawg, as I liked to call her, had a colored cat in glasses posted on her wall behind her desk that I drew her all the way back in first year. Even though she tried to act like it wasn't true, I was totally one of her favorites.

Lunch came quickly and with the wind blowing on that cold afternoon, Kayla, Tasha, Trinity, Kendra and I all met outside the greenhouse. We had wrangled Longbottom into keeping Sprout from leaving for the great hall and he would be handsomely rewarded with the safe return of his toad. He left and the exchange was made. We all entered the greenhouse and Madame Sprout smiled at us.

"Hello, ladies. You must be here about the dog."

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><p><em>I hope you liked it! I wrote this in maybe… a half hour? I had to keep looking up stuff to make sure I wasn't getting it wrong (who cares about accuracy, though?) I also blanked completely on Hufflepuff and Slytherin students outside of the ones mentioned. Do any even exist other than those?<em>

_Anyway, there will be more when I write more. With so much time on my hands, _

_I need a shirt that says, "VOLDEMORT'S BOOTY CALL" on it._


	2. It's Not Pretty

_Yay, second chapter. I don't own HP, yadda yadda yadda. Let's get this show on the road!_

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><p>"Hello, ladies. You must be here about the dog."<p>

Sprout smiled and set down the papers she had been looking at on her desk. She folded her hands and looked at all of us one by one, ending with me. "As you all are aware, the pets allowed here at Hogwarts presently are the owl, cat, rat and toad. No were in that list is there mention of a dog and I know you girls can read so don't play the dumb card with me."

Drat. How did she know?

"This infraction of the rules was brought to my attention by the other Miss Abbott and I responded right away." She continued, calmly. I stepped forward and my friends followed suit. She raised an eyebrow at us.

"Where is he, Madame Sprout?" I demanded. She responded that it didn't matter and was, I was sure, about to issue a detention for me when we all took another step toward her. She became nervous. "It would be best if you told us where he is… or someone else might get hurt."

"Someone else? What have you done? I'm calling for Dumbledoooooooore!" Having crawled under the desk without her noticing, Trinity had grabbed onto Madame Sprout's legs with her teeth and wrapped her arms around her knees, bringing her to the ground. We quickly went to work and had her tied up in the corner, a gardening glove jammed into her mouth. We all loomed over her, proud of the work we had done. We'd be expert hitmen in no time at this rate.

"I'll ask again, Madame Sprout. Where is the dog?" I crouched in front of her, trying to translate the muffled sounds she made through the glove. I shook my head. "No good. I can't understand her. Kendra? You're good with languages. Listen for me!"

Kendra stepped forward and listened to the Herbology teacher's answer. "She says he's being kept at Hagrid's!" Being the nice one, she thanked Sprout. I pointed to the door and struck a dramatic pose that Kayla rivaled with her own. Trinity won, however, with her Paul Bunyun lumberjack pose (it was rumored she really WAS Paul Bunyun, but we knew better than to ask her.)

"ONWARD. TO HAGRID'S!"

...

The bell for the next class had rung by the time we reached the hut Hagrid lived in. We watched from behind a tree as he lead the third years to the animal pen for class. Rolling like secret agents we, slowly, made our way to the hut and while Tasha broke open the door and went in to investigate with Kendra, Trinity, Kayla and I searched the outside (Trin even braving the length to the animal pens and seeing if Snuffles was taken there.)

The small storage shed behind the house had another lock and just as I was about to call for Tasha's muscles, I noticed it was already unlocked. Slowly pulling it open, I found a motorcycle which I considered stealing but found that someone was already in the process of that. Pulling out my wand I cast lumos.

"OH! WHOA HEY. Oh… wait. It's just you. Hey, Kristen!" Sirius said, lowing the shovel he had armed himself with. He was no longer in dog form, but definitely smelled like one. He was about to say something more but was smothered by me and my breasts.

"Oh, Sirius-poo! I'm so happy I found you! I almost killed a teacher and might have murdered a student, but that doesn't matter anymore because you're safe!" I said, and although my nose said to get twenty feet away from him and sanitize my entire body, my heart said to hold on tighter.

Kayla peeked in at that moment. "I'll give you guys a few minutes alone…" she smiled mischievously and closed the door while Sirius yelled for her to help him. Why did he fight my love so much?

I emerged from the storage shed, helping Sirius roll the bike out. After we said our goodbyes, which happened all too fast for my liking, everyone surrounded me with questions. The gist of it was if we had -ahem- you know.

"Ew, gross. No. He hasn't brushed his teeth is over fifteen years. Get your minds out of the gutter!" I said, waking back toward the castle with everyone trailing after me. Kayla said, "But I like it in the gutter. It's so nice." which sent us into giggles until, as we reached the castle doors, we were greeted by Sprout, who was not alone. Our giggles stopped (except for Kayla, who was probably in the gutter with Snape right about now…)

Dumbledore, Snape and Flitwick stood by Madame Sprout, who must have already told them about the events in the greenhouse. She pointed a finger at me. "That one! She's the ringleader of those little hooligans!" I should have been worried, but seeing Dumbledore then made me remember the Prophet that morning and the scandalous photo. Trinity must have, too and we tried out best to avoid looking at each other.

"You five are in serious trouble. Threatening a professor and breaking school rules, not to mention skipping class…" Dumbledore, thankfully wearing all of his clothes, was very serious and went on about the numerous rules we had broken and the punishment we would receive.

Tasha pushed past me and stood between the teachers and us. Oh no.

"Listen. You're all going to let this slide and you wanna know why? I will sit on your faces. I am bleeding from my vagina and it is NOT pretty. Do you want that? No. I didn't think so." Tasha threw up her hands in victory and pushed past Snape and Flitwick, who quickly jumped out of her way. Dumbledore was horrified and Sprout had fainted. We all hurried after her.

This year was going to be totally awesome.

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><p><em>Okaaaaaay… kind of short, but I wanted to just finish up that little plot. The rest of the chapters should just be one adventure each and shouldn't carry on into other chapters. They are going to be random and whatever I feel like writing that day. Be prepared.<em>


	3. The Sorting Beret

_Been reading a lot of Mary Sues lately… Nothing wrong with that, unless they're REALLY over the top. Then I write Fanfic about it._

_Don't own HP and all that jazz._

Things had been pretty quiet at Hogwarts the past few days. Too quiet.

That night at dinner, the Headmaster stood up and waited for us to calm down before speaking. We usually didn't have a speech and this meant that either someone died, a new weirdo creature was lurking around in the corridors or dungeons, we had a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher or… that was about it.

"Hello, boys and girls-"

"Gosh, that sounds very pedo." I whispered to Tasha. We giggled like schoolgirls, which we were.

"-It is a fine day indeed when a new student joins us at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Although term has already started, I hope you will welcome our new arrival with open arms. Please step forward… Mary Isabella Amethyst Gardenia O'steoporosis Sugar Tits Moonlight Sparkle Sakura-chan My Little Pony Hemophilia Serenity Sue."

Everyone in the Great Hall was silent as a rock (unless you instantly think of the rocks Spock talked to from Star Trek: TOS like I did.) A girl with bright golden hair and a long streak of rainbow on her fringe stepped forward and sat on a small stool that magically appeared. She glowed, it seemed and I wondered if she was ill and if it was contagious. I had just gotten over a cold and did NOT want to glow, too.

A hat was brought forth, and we knew instantly it wasn't the Sorting Hat. "Due to complications, the Sorting Hat is unavailable, however, the Sorting Beret is in fine working order." He placed the thing on top of Mary whatever's head. Almost instantly the thing cried out:

"GRYFFINDOR. No… wait…. SLYTHERIN! No… what's this? HUFFLEPUFF! Hold on, maybe it's… RAVENCLAW."

"… Is it broken?" Tasha said to me, eyeing the event through her snazzy blue glasses.

Dumbledore took the hat off and had a few words with Mary before turning to the rest of the Great Hall who had fallen into conversation over the Sorting Beret. "Now, now, settle down. It seems that the hat has decided that Miss Sue is suited perfectly for every house! I have decided to let her see each house personally before making her decision. I hope that each of you makes her feel welcome here." As Mary got off the stool and made her way toward the tables, I could tell that the mood changed almost instantly.

The boys were drooling and the girls glared. Oh no. Not-

The five of us knew without saying anything. A few of the others knew as well, but I'm too lazy to write them up (sorry, Shelby, Whitny and Laura!) Almost simultaneously we all jumped to our feet and the new girl stopped, a worried look crossing her face and we all swore then that her eyes changed color. How did we not see it? All the warning signs were there. We must have been lost in the sea of her middle names.

She was a Mary Sue.

…

"I heard she was part Veela!"

"I heard she was also part Mermaid!"

"Well, I heard she was part Hippogriff…. How is that even- wait, you know what. Don't answer that."

"There's a rumor going around that she's You-Know-Who's daughter! But I also heard she might be Harry Potter's daughter from the future! AND Prof. Snape's sister!"

"I'm in love with her!"

"She's so beautiful!"

All of these things and more were buzzing around the Great Hall. Mary Sue had decided to take a seat at the first house the Beret had yelled and had promised that she would spend time at each of our tables tonight with a little giggle and a twinkle in her eye that made me want to puke sparkles and rainbows. I was willing to bet that's what her vomit looked like. I nudged Tasha with my elbow and together we slid under the table and were joined by Kayla from Slytherin and Trinity and Kendra from Ravenclaw. Shelby from Gryffindor even gave in and came over! She was such a good sister, but I knew it was the unspoken promise of bloodshed that lured her here and not any sort of sisterly love.

"Mary Sue has to die. That is all." I said. "Everyone do whatever you have to get rid of her. Lure her someplace secluded and murder her, I don't care."

"She said to me, 'Gee, your breasts sure are big! But mine are so much bigger, teeheeheehee!' And I think her nungas might have grown five sizes just to make that true…" Shelby grumbled. We always made fun of her chest (or told her how much we'd like to trade with her, if it were possible.) This new evil was threatening Shelby and Tasha's status here as the best pair of nungas and who knew what other records of ours she was going to break in the next ten minutes!

"Alright, let's-" I was cut off by a bright light next to my face as Mary Blah Whatever Butt-Face Sue popped her head under the table.

"Hey there! What's going on guys? I heard you were from America! Me too! I mean, I'm part Japanese, so I'm from there, too. Ohmygosh, you guys are so kawaii! Did you know that I'm a famous pop star? Wanna hear me sing?" Her high pitched voice giggled. Did she say everything in a giggle? We all crouched there, under Hufflepuff table and just stared at her until she gave a weird look, giggled and left.

"Tonight we dine in hell." Kendra said, surprising us all. Sometimes Dark Kendra took over and the sweet, intelligent little Kendra we knew was lost to us for a while. In times such as these, though, she was a welcome addition to our group.

We did a little Musketeers thing and split up.

…

It took the entire school about a week to clean the sparkly blood off of everything in the Great Hall. We had to eat our meals either in our dorms or somewhere else in the castle. Everyone marveled over how much blood that one person had and we received many high fives for the days that followed. Sure, the clean up was terrible, but what that clean up meant outweighed it greatly.

Two days after the sparkles seemed to be scrubbed out of every corner, a new student arrived by the name of Gary Romeo Legolas Onyx Sherlock C'loud Asthma Salt and Pepper Stu. Everyone looked at us when the Sorting Beret was placed on his head and the words, "GRYTHERVENPUFF!" echoed across the Great Hall.

_Aaaaalright. That was fun! Stay tuned for the next installment of 'If You're a Possum!'_


	4. Operation Sexy Time

_Hello, hello. Welcome back. This next chapter is not suitable for children (are any of these?)_

It was a well-known fact that Kayla had the hots for Snape. She threw her panties at him whenever he walked by (and because she never got them back from him, we assumed he kept them in his panty stash.) It was also a well known-fact that people in this school had trouble keeping their panties on their butts and not on random passersby.

"I'm gonna get him tonight. I've waited seven years and it's time." Kayla said, hovering over the Hufflepuff table where Tasha and I were trying to enjoy our lunch. She leaned over the table, placing her hand in a plate of French fries (the kid who complained a few days ago about the scrambled eggs had a few choice words for Kayla right about now.) "You guys are going to help me."

"What's in it for me?" I asked, spooning rice into my mouth and eating it like a dolphin or penguin eating a fish. Nothing out of the ordinary. Tasha seconded my question.

"I… I don't know. But it'll be good. I promise."

Tasha and I stared at each other, eating rice and mentally conversing with each other. Trinity butted in and we told her this was strict Hufflepuff/Slytherin business. No know-it-all Ravenclaws aloud. She called me a whore and glared at me from across the room for the rest of the meal.

"Deal." We both said to Kayla and held out our pinkies. "You don't give us what we want after we help you get what you want, and we'll break your pinky."

"Deal!" Kayla said. She had her pinky broken before by us when she refused to buy us 50 pumpkin pastries after we helped her play a prank on Malfoy that also involved panties. Speaking of Malfoy, he'd been watching me lately… it made me uncomfortable and whenever I caught him looking, he would always glare and flip me the bird or something.

Kayla, however, did not see Malfoy's bird, and I decided to just deal with it on my own later. Pushing aside some small Hufflepuffs across from us, she sat down and we came up with a plan. I realized that our days where usually consisted of us making plans and doing something crazy. Not that I was complaining. We concluded that we needed a very large cauldron, a small, hand held sized one and a large red ribbon bow.

Operation Sexy Time would commence tonight at 10PM.

…

A large cauldron sat in the middle of the Potion's classroom and Snape was extremely hesitant to go near it at first. However, the large red bow on it with a card hanging off of it saying, "For Severus Snape" compelled him to at least touch it. The card said nothing more and he peeked into the cauldron for no real reason… I stared back up at him and smiled. He looked confused and a little horrified. Little did he know… Kayla was standing behind him with a small cauldron.

The last thing he saw before blacking out was me laughing.

…

"Oh, it was so romantic, you guys! And guess what! I got all my panties back! I missed them." Kayla finished retelling her 'honeymoon' with Snape the next morning at breakfast. Much to everyone's annoyance, all five of us were sitting at the Hufflepuff table that morning. Screw the rules. They should juts make another table for us and this wouldn't happen.

"Snape looks… violated." Trinity noted, taking a bite of waffle and cream cheese. He did, but we knew that he would never tell Dumbledore or anyone. He was too embarrassed to have fallen for the ol' cauldron decoy trick and to have been taken advantage of by a teenaged girl. It was also proven that he did keep the panties in a secret stash and he didn't want that dirty little secret getting out.

"Oh, he is…." Kayla purred, smiling at him. Snape's eyes widened and he slunk out of his chair and left through the back door of the great hall to avoid walking past us.

I put down my fork and demanded her attention. "So, about our fee…" Tasha and I looked at Kayla, waiting. We were ready to break some pinkies at a moment's notice and she knew it. The Slytherin didn't hide her hands from us, though….

"I didn't forget. Your payment is in your dorm room. I hope you find it… satisfactory." The glint in her eye told us it had been done. We threw our napkins on the table and ran as fast as we could and ignored the teachers and prefects who told us to slow down.

In our dorm room was the most magnificent collection of pumpkin pastries ever assembled.

_Woo! Four chapters. Sure, yeah, they're short, but I'm not complaining. At least I'm writing. Next time… I have no idea what will happen. Quidditch, maybe. I should probably connect some of the plots together and I did mention Hufflepuff and Slytherin were competing against each other in the first chapter. So, expect that… Until then!_


	5. BADGER BADGER BADGER

_New chapter. With only making these things about 1,000 words each, I'm getting these out fast! Before you know it, we'll be at chapter 100 in not time! Not._

Holy shizz nizz it was cold. The zooming brooms didn't make it any better and we all huddled together for warmth. Hufflepuff and Slytherin matches were usually boring, but Tasha made a few threats at Cedric Diggory and he wasn't about to lose this match now. We didn't know what she had said to him, but we knew it had to involve bleeding of some kind and we left it at that.

Hufflepuff/Slytherin matches did have one upside, however! We could sing the Badger Song!

"IT'S A BADGER, BADGER, BADGER, BADGER, BADGER, BADGER… MUSHROOM, MUSHROOM! IT'S A SNAAAKE A SNAAAAKE, OH MY GOSH IT'S A SNAAAAKE!" and on and on it would go today.

We were the only house to have cheerleaders and we were fabulous. Although doing flips and junk were out of the question, we shook our moneymakers and pompoms as the two teams came out onto the field. Draco's father was speaking to Hooch for some reason (what was he even doing here?) and then spoke to Draco. Probably cheating. Darn Slytherins.

Draco caught me glaring at him, but took one look at my cheer uniform and said loud enough for everyone around him to hear him say, "FATHER. I WANT TO BE A HUFFLEPUFF." Needless to say, Lucius Malfoy was not pleased.

As the whistle blew and the players rose into the air, I lost interest entirely. I did a few cheers, but then started looking at the spectators… I wondered what the others outside of our house were up to…

Kendra, it turned out, had messed with a few of the Slytherin team's brooms and was waiting for the moment when someone tumbled from the sky (she was getting more and more evil by the minute.) She was determined to have Ravenclaw in the finals almost as much, if not more, than we wanted our own house there. Trinity, her eyes hidden behind the reflection on her glasses, was standing beside her, talking in whispers that were unheard over the cheers in their stands. I would later learn they were taking bets on who would fall first (everyone was _hoping _it would be Malfoy, but all the bets were stacked up on the Keeper, because without him, Hufflepuff would score more often.) Luna was nearby with her famous giant lion head on.

Over in Gryffindor, everyone was cheering for Hufflepuff, but it was no secret they were praying Slytherin would win so they could defeat them later themselves. Shelby was talking excitedly with Hermione, probably not about Quidditch at all. Like me, Shelby wasn't into sports whatsoever. They were probably talking about a book and I wished I could hear what book. I probably had read it. I wanted to spoil the ending for them if I did. Harry was casting dirty looks at Malfoy all over the field. We suspected he had a crush on him.

Hufflepuff and Slytherin were going crazy, cheering their respective teams on. The teacher's stands tried to be Switzerland about the whole thing, but Madame Sprout and Prof. Snape were sporting their colors and had little flags. I caught Sprout's eye and she glared at me. I was probably never going to be forgiven for tying her up and demanding information… I mean, sure, yeah. It was mean. I get it. But she held a grudge like no other. I gave her a big smile in return.

Tasha and our friend, Nicki were shaking their pompoms and yelling at Cedric (in cheers or anger? I couldn't tell.)

Just then, I saw the snitch. My eyes were crap, and I was surprised and thought I was just seeing things, but no. It was the snitch! Draco saw it too, and was in hot pursuit of it. If he caught it, Hufflepuff would just be 'that other house that isn't Ravenclaw.' I couldn't let us be ignored any longer.

Raising my pompoms in the air, I yelled as loud as I could to catch his attention, once I was sure he was, I turned around and lifted my skirt, showing off my adorable polka dot yellow panties.

I made a lot of people happy that day, and not in the way you're thinking (sickos.) Everyone who had bet on Draco Malfoy falling off his broom joined the Hufflepuff house that night at our celebration party. We were headed for the finals! Draco had a broken leg and a few ribs and was in the Hospital Wing! Everything was good.

As we partied (we were the Party House at Hogwarts) I knew that right about then, Malfoy was opening a letter and a picture of my bright panties would be found and he would lose balance and fall out of bed, re-breaking his leg. Yes… everything was good. If not a little weird, but that was the norm these days.

_Next time, Draco Malfoy becomes my personal stalker, Kayla turns into a mermaid and Kendra snaps (again.)_


	6. Death by Tree

_New chapter. Watch out for weirdness. I don't own Harry Potter._

The day was unusually warm AND it was a weekend. This meant one thing: The battle for the spot under the tree by the lake. On days like these, everyone was willing to kill to sit under it. Every year there were at least three deaths reported to the Ministry. This yeah, there was only one. The students of Hogwarts grew to fear us Americans. We were fierce and had already murdered two students just a few weeks ago (however, those deaths were for the better.)

Lounging under the shade of the tree, I worked, unsuccessfully, on a daisy chain crown. Trinity was making better progress, but she was a mountain woman and these sorts of things came naturally to her. Shelby was looking angry and reading something, Laura was drawing ponies all over a notebook (with the words Mrs. Firenze all over the place), Kendra was on her third chain (damn her) and Tasha was… somewhere. Come to think of it, Kayla was missing too.

I stood up, telling the others I was going to go look for them in the crowds of other students spotted beside the lake. On my way past Kendra, I dropped my crown on her and kicked the one she was working on out of her hands. That would teach her to be better than me. She shot me an angry look but I just ran away before Evil Kendra could come out to play.

I waved and glared at a lot of people as I moved from group to group, asking if they'd seen the loud(er) Hufflepuff and the not-so-Slytherin girls I hung out with. I was directed to a shrub and as I drew near stopped. Noises were coming from them. Noises I did not want to hear. Noises of…

"Ohhh, Mr. Diggory! Ohhh!"

"OH TASHA. EW. He's like, fifty years old!" I yelled, backing away from the bushes. Tasha's face appeared, also glaring at me. Why was everyone so angry with me today? What did I do?

"Shut up, Kristen. It's Cedric. I was just being formal."

"…. Okay, yeah. Whatever. Still ew."

"Shut up."

I left them to their -ahem- you know, and wandered off to find Kayla. There was a group of Slytherins that I already checked with and they all said they hadn't seen her since breakfast. Draco said something rude about Hufflepuff to me before I left so I kicked him in the shins. I was really starting to wonder what I did to make people hate me so much (other than stalk a few students, keep a wanted fugitive in my dorm room, murder two Mary Sues and possibly be guilty in the case of the missing Hannah Abbott - that was still under investigation and I was innocent until proven otherwise.)

There was a splash as I neared the tree where my friends were on their twentieth chain-crown (without me distracting them or ruining their work, they got a lot done in my absence.) I looked at the lake and saw Kayla, splashing around in the lake. She was a mermaid… Wait. What?

The others noticed this odd turn of events and we all came closer to see if it was really a mermaid fin or if she was wearing a costume.

"Hey guys! I'm a mermaid now!" she said. Floating on her back, she showed off her new tail and flailed about in the water.

"We can see that." I said, keeping my distance from the edge so she didn't get any ideas and pull me in. I was an okay swimmer, but lakes freaked me out. And with what lived in there, and now Kayla, I didn't want to risk it.

"You didn't trade your voice, obviously, so what did you trade?" asked Kendra, who was wearing about fifty daisy crowns that she made (I was going to murder her like I murdered Mary and Gary.)

"Sexual favors."

"… really? With who? The giant squid?" Trinity asked.

Kayla just laughed and dove under the water. We all exchanged glances. Horrified glances.

As we made our way back up to the tree, which Shelby had kept safe for us in our absence, I foolishly (now that I think about it) grabbed the flower crowns and threw them into the lake. Kendra stood there and glared at me. Her face slowly changed into a neutral state. My smile faded. The others backed away.

Oh no.

…

The enjoyable day quickly turned to crap with Dark Kendra revealing herself and waging war against all who had ever said something rude to her, ruined something she owned or looked at her funny. This meant me, since I openly told everyone that she was my rival in being perfect and I did all I could to ruin her (in the nicest way possible.)

Long story short…. The tree would never be fought over, because it now rested at the bottom of the lake after Dark Kendra had gained super-strength and tore it from the ground and threw it in the direction I ran. I took my chances with the lake and dove in and was rescued by Kayla and her mermaid friends - and her squid lover.

Kendra was only soothed when we left an offering of candy for her. She calmed down immediately and the war ended. For now.

…

That day was, unfortunately, the last day of Pansy Parkinson, as she was struck by one of the branches of the tree as it flew toward me. She died very ungracefully and the grass is still stained with her blood. No one has tried to clean it because no one really cares.

R.I.P.

Pansy Parkinson

(No one liked you.)

_Hahahah, I'm so funny._

_I hope you enjoyed that. At first, I wasn't going to kill off Pansy, but then I though, "What the hell. Let's do it." Every HP fanfic I read it seems like Pansy is the most hated person ever. These are usually Draco Malfoy love stories, though. I thought about once writing a fic from the perspective of Pansy and have her redeem herself that way. I may still do that._

_Stay tuned for next time… when stuff happens._


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